Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
I Miss Me Too...
Where have I gone to?! Well, this wasn't what I had expected when second semester started. I'm working harder than I ever have in first semester. Why am I working so hard you ask! Well its either do my work and finish my projects, or fail my classes. Awesome choices I'm given, right? No, absolutely horrible. I have never been the one to start stressing about academics. I've always took the stance, "Academics? What is that? Screw that! Go out and socialize!" Well, it seems like I've contradicted my own beliefs this semester and that's not something I'm proud of. I feel ashamed, I feel like I've become this bookworm from this hellhole called Saratoga (I maintain the emphasis on my hatred towards Saratoga).
Ever since second semester started about two weeks ago, my social life has been slowly deteriorating. Who would have thought that I would get slammed with five projects? Some of you may read this and be like, "Shit, that's nothing." Guess what, it is something to me. I am definitely not a projects person, never have been, never will be. I had much more things planned out than stay at home and do work all day for the next four weeks. Such things included: going out, working out, eating healthy, write blogs, reply to blogs, and more which I can't come up off the top of my head right now. Guess what, all of that got replaced with "work on projects". Academics/education is NOT supposed to deteriorate my social life/health or increase my stress.
Shit, why don't I build upon a thought I brought up in my last post. Living alone. What a bitch it is. Not only do I have more work to do for school, I have more work to do at home in general. Take care of those annoying leaks in the house during the week of rain. Have my Superbowl Sunday ruined by a broken waterpipe. Having to make 15+ calls to various places, having the water turned off for the whole day, and having the water company REFUSE to fix your water pipe, is a motherfucking bitch. What do they expect me to do, eat shit?
On to the title of this post. I miss me too. Where did my old self go? I wholeheartedly think that right when summer ended my whole creative side decided to leave me. It was as if school drained my color and turned me black and white (I wouldn't doubt that Saratoga has the ability to do this. This place is boring as fuck. Especially when you have little to no friends at the school anymore.)
But anyway, by now I have finished a few projects and gotten some load off of myself. It's still frustrating, that I have to stress about school. It's a first for me, as I always emphasized the importance of the social life against the academic life. I still emphasize that belief, it's just that my other choice would be to fail my classes. All this bullshit, should be slowly fading away within the next two to three weeks. I'm looking forward to the few weeks after February break, maybe everything won't decide to come back and bite me in the ass.
This will probably be the only new post for a few weeks. I apologize for the unorganized post. Just give me some time. My patience and temper are on a short fuse right now. I'm on a thin line here. I would have lost my mind by now if it wasn't for her. I'm grateful to have her as a companion, especially because I'm usually alone for the majority of the day.
Ever since second semester started about two weeks ago, my social life has been slowly deteriorating. Who would have thought that I would get slammed with five projects? Some of you may read this and be like, "Shit, that's nothing." Guess what, it is something to me. I am definitely not a projects person, never have been, never will be. I had much more things planned out than stay at home and do work all day for the next four weeks. Such things included: going out, working out, eating healthy, write blogs, reply to blogs, and more which I can't come up off the top of my head right now. Guess what, all of that got replaced with "work on projects". Academics/education is NOT supposed to deteriorate my social life/health or increase my stress.
Shit, why don't I build upon a thought I brought up in my last post. Living alone. What a bitch it is. Not only do I have more work to do for school, I have more work to do at home in general. Take care of those annoying leaks in the house during the week of rain. Have my Superbowl Sunday ruined by a broken waterpipe. Having to make 15+ calls to various places, having the water turned off for the whole day, and having the water company REFUSE to fix your water pipe, is a motherfucking bitch. What do they expect me to do, eat shit?
On to the title of this post. I miss me too. Where did my old self go? I wholeheartedly think that right when summer ended my whole creative side decided to leave me. It was as if school drained my color and turned me black and white (I wouldn't doubt that Saratoga has the ability to do this. This place is boring as fuck. Especially when you have little to no friends at the school anymore.)
But anyway, by now I have finished a few projects and gotten some load off of myself. It's still frustrating, that I have to stress about school. It's a first for me, as I always emphasized the importance of the social life against the academic life. I still emphasize that belief, it's just that my other choice would be to fail my classes. All this bullshit, should be slowly fading away within the next two to three weeks. I'm looking forward to the few weeks after February break, maybe everything won't decide to come back and bite me in the ass.
This will probably be the only new post for a few weeks. I apologize for the unorganized post. Just give me some time. My patience and temper are on a short fuse right now. I'm on a thin line here. I would have lost my mind by now if it wasn't for her. I'm grateful to have her as a companion, especially because I'm usually alone for the majority of the day.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Solitude...
...but just not quite there yet. It's early in the morning or late at night, however you like it, it works. I'm usually never up this late on a school night; so why am I up? First of all, I'm living alone and there are no parents here telling me to go to sleep for a whole month. Second of all, as I was doing my workouts I began thinking. That's right, thinking. What do I want to do? Start up my blog that I've been wanting to begin. Whats a better way than to spend your time documenting small time periods of your life? Then I asked myself, "How am I feeling?" Lonely, just a tad bit. Some of you might ask, "Why? Why do you feel lonely? You have the whole house to yourself, you can do whatever you want!" Try telling that to someone who's been living like this for the past five to six years.
There's no one else in the house, but me. My trance (heed this notice, it's called trance not techno) has been playing for the past few hours, and I have not heard much human voice. My IM window has stopped flashing and I have stopped hearing that ever so familiar bell sound. Where's the human contact?
This is more like a recap of a section of the past few years of my life, not a cry for help.
Hm, where to begin? As I mentioned before, someone may ask, "Why do you feel lonely? The whole house is to yourself! No restrictions!" That is precisely my point. The whole house is to myself; I am by myself. Everything I touch is artificial, nothing is organic (excluding the food I eat). I've been living like this for the past five to six years. It was not until junior year (when I finally received my driver's license) that I began to enjoy the freedom of being given the responsibility to look after the house by myself. However, I already used up all that excitement a year ago, the excitement of living alone does not hit me like it used to.
Now, if got my driver's license only a little more than a year ago, what was I doing the rest of the time when I was left alone? Here is where we come to look at the title of this post, solitude. I entrenched myself into this digital world of video gaming (I will revisit this another time, just know that it's different story nowadays). I was isolated from the rest of society, save for the people I met online. I made this decision to isolate myself. Yes, I have the sole power to make my own decisions.
Why did I do this? I ask this myself sometimes, I may not have a clear answer, but I'm pretty sure I know why I did this. It's because of the people I knew around me. Never, have I had friend(s) to trust in, to confide in. Never, in my whole life. This is no lie. I have never been close to anyone for more than a whole year, not even since elementary school. This is most likely because there is nobody, worth being close to in Saratoga, the city of the rich and wealthy; the city of the dirty and trashy.
This was completely true, up until the creation of TAG during the summer before junior year. EVERYTHING changed from then on. I told myself, I wanted to change, for the good of myself. I ended my gaming career (if you can actually call it career, I was never pursuing a future in gaming anyway), flipped my entire personality around (from being 100% shy to being more open), meeting new people, and simply deisolating myself.
Well, everything is going just fine for the time being. Life is great right? Apparently not. It's senior year and in about seven or eight months, I will be leaving most of my friends that I have begun to become close with in the last year or two.
Once again, it's back to the nomadic ways right? I'm forever roaming between people, never settling down in one place for a long period of time. That's how my life is seemingly like, right?
...wrong. That's how my life will seemingly be and stay like, if I choose to let it be. However, I have the power to choose. Therefore, I choose to not let that happen.
There's no one else in the house, but me. My trance (heed this notice, it's called trance not techno) has been playing for the past few hours, and I have not heard much human voice. My IM window has stopped flashing and I have stopped hearing that ever so familiar bell sound. Where's the human contact?
This is more like a recap of a section of the past few years of my life, not a cry for help.
Hm, where to begin? As I mentioned before, someone may ask, "Why do you feel lonely? The whole house is to yourself! No restrictions!" That is precisely my point. The whole house is to myself; I am by myself. Everything I touch is artificial, nothing is organic (excluding the food I eat). I've been living like this for the past five to six years. It was not until junior year (when I finally received my driver's license) that I began to enjoy the freedom of being given the responsibility to look after the house by myself. However, I already used up all that excitement a year ago, the excitement of living alone does not hit me like it used to.
Now, if got my driver's license only a little more than a year ago, what was I doing the rest of the time when I was left alone? Here is where we come to look at the title of this post, solitude. I entrenched myself into this digital world of video gaming (I will revisit this another time, just know that it's different story nowadays). I was isolated from the rest of society, save for the people I met online. I made this decision to isolate myself. Yes, I have the sole power to make my own decisions.
Why did I do this? I ask this myself sometimes, I may not have a clear answer, but I'm pretty sure I know why I did this. It's because of the people I knew around me. Never, have I had friend(s) to trust in, to confide in. Never, in my whole life. This is no lie. I have never been close to anyone for more than a whole year, not even since elementary school. This is most likely because there is nobody, worth being close to in Saratoga, the city of the rich and wealthy; the city of the dirty and trashy.
This was completely true, up until the creation of TAG during the summer before junior year. EVERYTHING changed from then on. I told myself, I wanted to change, for the good of myself. I ended my gaming career (if you can actually call it career, I was never pursuing a future in gaming anyway), flipped my entire personality around (from being 100% shy to being more open), meeting new people, and simply deisolating myself.
Well, everything is going just fine for the time being. Life is great right? Apparently not. It's senior year and in about seven or eight months, I will be leaving most of my friends that I have begun to become close with in the last year or two.
Once again, it's back to the nomadic ways right? I'm forever roaming between people, never settling down in one place for a long period of time. That's how my life is seemingly like, right?
...wrong. That's how my life will seemingly be and stay like, if I choose to let it be. However, I have the power to choose. Therefore, I choose to not let that happen.
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